I am the foundation.
Updated: Feb 4
It has been 17 months since everything changed, for the third time. 11 years ago we decided that our love was strong enough to build a family. A decision we made together and also a decision that would change my life forever on a level no man can ever understand. I am a girl with a colorful personality. I have strong opinions and I`m very aware of my selfworth. I take care of me, cause I know the importanse of that. 17 months ago I once again let go of my own needs, the way I lived life. My body was no longer my tempel. It was someone elses tempel. Every choice I made had a direct consequence on the life growing inside of me. I was no longer me, I was us. It`s the most beautiful thing in the world and at the same time it breaks me down to pieces. I need to rebuild. The love is so strong and at the same time the frustration is unbearable. An inner fight that no words can describe.
8 months have gone since my body was no longer a cocoon. For a second I felt free. That emotion was quikly brushed away by the responsibility, the overwhelming love and the awareness that I`m still us and not yet me. At this point my life is not mine to control. It has not been for 9 months and it will not be for a long time. I am the foundation that our family lean on. I`m there day and night for every need. I build up walls to cope. An inner fight of desperately finding myself again and at the same time be enough for the little ones we have created. The little ones I have shared my body with. My main focus in life will forever be to hopefully make them feel safe, feel loved and to make them strong and prepared for the day they go out into the big world on their own. Is that role a life long dream of mine? No, it`s not. I have alot of dreams for me, just me. But the day I decided to become a mother my needs came second. I sacrificed for us. For our family. I carry us on my shoulders and for that I deserve recognition, respect and to not be taken for granted. If I decide to quit the foundation breaks and the life we know will turn into chaos. I am not replaceble.
This is my feelings. My life. My struggles. My heart. If the walls I have built up is thorn down it will breake a piece of my heart. And when that happens I get angry. Very angry.
An incident occured recently that made my walls break. You could say it was a drop that made the sippering water flood. A great deal of comunication later I`m rebuilding those walls. No one said it was easy growing a family and at the same time remain that colorful girl that ones could focus on her own happiness and devote herself completely to her love. I strongly believe it`s worth it all. The inner struggles, the energy beeing used, the choices made, the wellbeeing of my kids. It is worth it. One day I will be able to treat my own needs while I see my kids blossom and look back only remembering the love, the hillarious moments and the good times. I have to believe that. Because I am the foundation. I carry us on my shoulders. My family.